An open letter to Mindy Kaling:

Saturday, November 16, 2013

 ...so if your name is not Mindy Kaling, please feel free to skip this post and go grab a cookie or something. But, preferably not a peanut butter cookie because I don't like those. And one without raisins because adding raisins pretty much negates everything that the cookie stands for. 

Mindy,

Girl. I'm not going to beat around the bush. I love you. I had a great time devouring your book, and my husband earned major bonus points when he came home with it for me. I also think he felt slightly rejected because our conversations were about three words long during the time I took to read it. 

"Dinner?"
"Yeah. Trader Joes." 

At least they were important words. 

Anywho. I wanted to address a few things from your book. First off. No, Mindy, everyone is not hanging out without you. Okay....that's a lie. I have no idea. But should you ever feel left out, please know you can call me any time, day or night, and I would be more than happy to eat Indian food with you. I'll probably want to make friendship bracelets with you, but I promise not to include our initials in them since I don't want any awkward-ness should JLMP choose to get back together. 

The summer camp diving board fiasco. What the HECK?! I can't believe that butthead (FYI autocorrect tried to change butthead to but thread) made you jump off the highest board even though you told him you didn't want to! Scott, the handsome counselor, clearrrrrrllly has zero appreciation for the beauty in weeds and algae. (Next time you want to get a a good look at them, may I suggest choosing anything other than a high diving board?) And, you didn't tell anyone? I would've been calling for his counselor impeachment (75% sure that's a thing) had my jump resulted in a huge bloody gash on my leg. As a child, you were already a more honorable person than I. 

Your advice for teenage girls to not peak in high school?? Amen, sista. There are girls that I know of that let's just say may have peaked in high school. Maybe they didn't...what do I know? But, at 26, I certainly hope I haven't peaked. I hope to peak around forty two. That seems like a nice ripe time to peak. But, can I just ask this: what happens after you peak? Are you just supposed to be all like, "Welp. I peaked. That was cool?" Do you just sit around watching other young people peak around you? Sigh. This is opening a whole can of peak worms and I ate far too much Salvadoran food tonight to want to dive into this subject. 

Thank you for clearing up the whole gift bag question. As a non-Hollywooder, I thought all the swag bags were filled with diamond bracelets (small diamonds), Botox coupons, thousand dollar face cream, and chocolate bars dusted with 14k gold. I appreciate you telling us that they are mostly just protein bars in there. Being famous just got a little less glamorous. 

I wasn't aware people wanted more movies about board games. Whattt? I am just as flummoxed as you are. Should you ever create Yahtzee, however, I will stand in line and go. May I suggest a tag line? I think an over-zealous, "WHAT are the CHANCE-ESSSS?!" would be great thrown in there five or six times. Have the actors throw their hands up in the air for a greater effect. 

And lastly, Mindy, Mind (can I call you Mind?) I appreciate your honesty. I appreciate how frank you are about your image and your weight. I actually would not call you chubby at all. I'm sorry that Dante Diallo from Senegal was unkind to you in school. I sincerley hope he is not a warlord like you mentioned. Obsessing about weight drives.me. bananas. Talking about weight is up there among things I hate the most. I wish people would love themselves for what they look like and not hold others to that same unrealistic bar to which they hold themselves. How many times have we had the, "Oh stop. You are so skinny!" conversation? I say if people want to lose weight to feel better then yes! Please do so! But, do it for yourself. Beauty has so many faces. 

I look forward to your next book. I hope it is, indeed as you said, filled with stories about your husband, your kids, your cool movie career, and other things you've learned. My husband thinks you should title it I Want Dirk Nowitzki to Host Saturday Night Live So Much That I'm Making It the Title of My Book. I don't know why your publishers didn't think that would sell, but I think you need to revisited that title. 

And, since I know you're all into selfies, I thought I'd share one with you. 

You need to teach me your selfie ways because I always end up looking like the most awkward person on planet earth. Maybe the galaxy. I haven't done enough research yet on that subject. 

Xoxo 
Karim 

Ps: can you just tell us who that movie star with the creepily similar looking stand in is? 

**To everyone who read through this nonsense and has no idea what I was talking about, you can check out her book. It's called Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns). Mind you, it's not for everyone. If you like the Mindy Project or Kelly Kapor you will probably enjoy it. I'd like to tackle Bossy Pants next. 

3 comments:

  1. I loved Bossy Pants so much I read it twice, just recently again while I was in the hospital. It's the first book I read outloud to BKS, because it was the only thing I had in front of me. (I'm up in the air about whether or not to write that in his Baby Book though.) I too <3 me some Mindy Kaling, so I think you'll really enjoy Fey's book as well. Although I do watch The Mindy Project and I've never seen 30 rock, so Bossy Pants was my only interaction with Tiny Fey outside of Mean Girls.

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    1. I'm so glad you enjoyed Bossy Pants so much! Now I REALLY want to read it! Although, I have a confession: I'm not the biggest Tina Fey fan. And, I don't know why! I think she just looks like she is trying too hard on 30 Rock.

      And can you please include that in his baby book? I fully intend on telling my kids what I watched as I labored with them. (S: Friends...I was laughing so hard at the one where Ross gets a tan. J: Anthony Bourdain. I don't remember where Bourdain was specifically, but I think somewhere in Asia.)

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  2. Nice post! I'm reading the book now and found this from googling Duante Diallo!

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