Over a year now, I started talking and learning from a life coach. And to say that it changed my life would be a total understatement. I learned how powerful our brains are, and how we can change our thoughts about every single thing that comes our way...if we choose it.
One of the areas that I have done the most "thought work" in have been thoughts about bringing peace and love back into my home and in my own head. A couple years ago I wrote a post about being okay with not being the world's best mom. Since then, I still feel the same...only now, I truly believe I AM the best mom for my kids!
Does that mean I'm perfect? Heck no! I don't expect perfection out of my myself, nor do I expect it from anyone else! (And can I tell you...knowing that I don't have to be perfect is such a relief.)
Do I make mistakes? Yup, every day.
Do I have moments where I think, "Shoot. I really wish I would've handled that better?" Absolutely.
Do I feel like I still have a lot of room for growth? Yes! And instead of overwhelming me, that makes me excited! I'm excited to see what I have to learn!
So, in those moments where I'm not feeling like I'm being "Best Mom to Sofia, Pato, and Oscar," I look through my "toolkit" of thoughts, to help me go back to the mom I want to be. I thought I would share three of the most powerful ones I use in hopes that maybe just one of these thoughts would be a good fit for you. And feel free to use them myself!
"There's a better way."
I use this one a LOT. When I start feeling my voice getting a little louder or a little sterner. When I can almost hear how loud the lack of love in my words are. When I am at this point, I take a deep breath, and remind myself that I can teach, and explain, and listen, and express my thoughts without turning up the volume or using sharpness in my tone.
"I know how it feels _______."
Now that I think of it, I use this one a lot, too! (Trust me, I am using these thoughts I'm sharing with you on a DAILY basis!) I like using this one because I find it easy to use with any age, and with any person I encounter. Let me give you some examples of how I use this phrase.
Oscar is crying because his older siblings are going somewhere and he has to stay home. I might approach him and say, "I know you're sad. I know how it feels to have friends that I love spending time with. I know how it feels to feel left out. And I know how it feels to not understand why things happen the way the do." So, instead of telling him to just stop crying because they'll be back soon, I try to find a way to empathize with him.
Someone is mad because they want to wear a shirt, but you tell them they can't because it's in the wash. Besides taking looooong deep breaths and trying to block out the feet stomping, I might say, "I know how it feels to feel disappointed. I know how it feels to have a favorite shirt that you feel so good in! I know how it feels to be looking forward to something, and then feel let down."
"Am I being the Karim I want to be?"
Obviously, you would insert your own name, and this one is more of a question than a simple thought. But, this one always helps me re-center when I don't feel emotionally steady. If the answer is "no," then I try to think of one simple way I can go back to who I want to be. I might think, "No, I want to be a Karim that listens." Or, "I want to be a Karim that is a safe place for others to share their feelings." Or, "I want to be a Karim that sees the best in others."
At the end of the day, it takes work to use these thoughts and get back to a place mentally where I'm not feeling frustrated or angry or annoyed at others in my home. I like to think I'm getting much better at using my thought toolkit, but I can also admit there are times that I seem to be tossing that toolkit out the front door and drop kicking it over the fence.
So, when I do...when I do yell or do get mad and do respond in a way I wish I hadn't...I just acknowledge it. I acknowledge that I did it, and then I remind myself that I'm not perfect. And then I do the most powerful thing of all- I forgive myself, move on, and tell myself I can try again right NOW.
And giving people the chance and the grace to try again is what bringing the love back home is all about.
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