when sometimes love doesn't feel like enough

So...I've had a few experiences this last week where I've seen other moms struggling, daring to be open about their situations and share what's on their heart. I would sit there thinking, "Wow. I've felt those feelings, too." And I know how lonely it can feel when you think you're the only one going through it. I feel like I often write about the good things, the easy things. Because there really is a whole lot of it. But, the truth is, this mothering gig is the most rewarding thing I've ever done, but also the hardest and soul-crushing thing, too. There are certainly moments where I just sit on the crumb-covered floor and just sit. I shut my eyes and take a second to just.be.me.  For a second, I have to let myself just be me and separate myself from the mom I am the other 86399 other seconds of the day.

So, here's what I'm going to be open about.

I know I'm one heck of a mother. My kids couldn't go somewhere else and find more love than what I try to pour out to them every single day. I try to make them a hot breakfast as often as I can. I sit down and play round after round of games that I'd be happy to never look at for the rest of my life. I soak little clothes trying to get stains out. I volunteer at school because I know it makes my girl feel safe. I sit there and watch tricks repeated over and over again. "Mom! Did you see that?! Watch me!"

I know that I'm enough.

But, sometimes, love doesn't feel like its enough. 

I love all three of my children equally. I still don't know how it works mathematically, when I only have one heart and they each have 100% of it, but it's one of the magical things of life. Most times, I feel like I'm more than enough for Pato. He doesn't ask for much. Just let him tell you about Star Wars or basketball and you're gold. Oscar just wants hugs, attention, and food.

My Sof, though. She's trickier.

Sometimes being her mom makes me want to run away.

She always wants to be with the people she loves, and doesn't understand when I say mommy needs a little space. Whatever she's doing, she wants to do it with someone. And I hate saying no to her because I know this time with her at home is short, and next year she'll be in school all day and I know I'l have moments where I'll miss her. She's demanding of my time and my attention. And when I say no, I feel like she has no problem letting me know how I've let her down. 

She has so many feelings, and they're all big. It's truly one of the things that I love most about her, and has me convinced that this life of hers has a specific purpose and she will change lives. When she's happy, you can't help but feel it, too. When she's sad, her whole body is sad, and you want to move mountains to make her happy again. She's the same with all of her feelings, and I'm afraid she'd be a terrible poker player.  But, keeping up with all her feelings leaves me emotionally and physically drained.

She has strong opinions, and will already tell me when she thinks I'm wrong. Which feels like a lot. Sometimes, being her mother is like being on a treadmill. Just when I am able to keep a steady pace, she pushes me to the next level. And I'm running and running, begging my legs to keep up. "Don't fall. Don't fall." I tell myself. 

More often than not, I can scramble and find the pause button. Yet, once in a while, I stumble and fall so hard. It's then when I find myself going to a hard place, and I sit and cry and think, "She deserves so much better than me." For a brief a second, I consider how much happier she'd be with another mom. One who was more patient, more creative, could maybe actually draw more than a stick figure, and wouldn't care so much about shoes on the floor or an unmade bed.

But, Sof, you're outta luck, girl. Because you're stuck with me. So, everyday, I will keep choosing to hop on that treadmill. I will jump on there happily one day, and perhaps more tentatively the next. I will hit the pause button over and over again, and I will wipe out, too. But, I will never.stop.geting.back.on.

Because at the end of the day, love will always be enough after all.

hitting the re-start button at 4pm

Because sometimes it's 4:00 PM, and everyone is a little cranky, and baby brother won't stop chasing you with a lightsaber, and you just need a chocolate brownie custard to re-start your day (even when its actually almost close to dinner.) 

Also- I can't even handle all these faces Oscar makes.

And yes, this totally ruined their dinner.

resolutions and a cup of tea

Late last year, I had a very good friend come visit us from out of state. During a late night talk, I had one of those "ah-ha" moments that quietly change your life. One of those moments you can look back on, and pinpoint a very real change in your being.

I walked away from the conversation with two new ideas. Ones that shouldn't be difficult to understand, but for me, things that are still very hard to put into practice.

1. It's not your job to make people happy. Tied to this is the simple fact that you're just not going to be everyone's cup of tea. As someone who in the past has felt like she needs to be everyone's cup of tea (and doing everything I could-- even changing what flavor I was to do so) this was a hard fact that I'm still trying to come to grips with. Furthermore, I'm learning to be okay with that. Because changing my flavor from person to person was leaving me exhausted.

2. The second thing I came away learning is that it's perfectly okay to say no. It's perfectly okay to follow my truth, and do what brings peace and joy into my life. (This doesn't mean trampling on other people along the way, of course.) I often find myself asking myself, "Does this bring me peace? Does it bring my family joy?" And if saying "no" is what does so, I'm trying to do that.

Which now leads me to two resolutions I've made for the new year. Last year my goal was to read a certain amount, and it felt so good when I surpassed my goal. This year, I'd like to have the same goal, but I'm doubling the number. Mind you, I was starting small! The second goal I have for myself is to strengthen the relationships that build me up. I'm an awful texter, and an even worse phone-person. I don't always follow up with a family member or a friend nearly as often as I'd like. But I want to do better this year. Reach out more. Listen more. See more. Stop more. Listen more. Ask more. Be available more.

And I guess the unofficial third goal is a whole lot more cuddles with my babies :)

Reading List for Early Fluent Readers

You know when you say something, and immediately think, "Wait, did I actually just say that?"

We were in the middle of the get-ready-for-school rush, and I was reminding the kids to make sure their backpacks were ready and was on time nine out of fifteen of asking them to please put their shoes on. I found Pato walking around the house with his nose in a book, and I said, "Pato! Please stop reading!"

It immediately took me back to those times I would sneak under the covers with a flashlight and a book because I desperately wanted to know what happened next in the story, but I was supposed to be asleep. 

Kinda felt like one of those "full circle" moments.

Anyway-- I've been trying to find books series that would be challenging enough for my kids to read on their own, but also have stories that didn't go way over their heads or turn them into serial killers. The people of Instagram came to my rescue, and I was able to compile a good list of series and some non-series books as well. I was asked by numerous people to share the list, so here ya go! (Quite a few of these were recommend numerous times, so I'm hoping they're good!)

Nate the Great series by Marjorie W. Sharmat
Ramona series by Beverly Cleary
Ivy & Bean series by Annie Barrows
The Tale of Despereaux by Kate DiCamillo
The Magician's Elephant by Kate DiCamillo
 Judy Moody series by Megan McDonald
Junie B. Jones series by Barbara Park
Nancy Drew and the Clue Crew series by Carolyn Keene
Mr. Popper's Penguins by Richard Atwater
The Penderwicks by Jeanne Birdsall
Sideways Stories from Wayside School by Louis Sachar
Little House series by Laura Ingalls Wilder
Frog and Toad series by Arnold Lobel
Little Bear series by Else Holmelund Minaret
Pete the Cat series by Kimberly and James Dean
Pedro, First Grade Hero by Fran Manushkin
Magic Tree House series by Mary Pope Osborne
Eerie Elementary series by Max Brallier
Cam Jansen series by David A. Adler 

Happy Reading!

one fair, three very different summers

Every year, the fair comes to town. We've only been here for a few summers, and it's amazing how different each summer has been. And specifically, how I remember this particular fair.

Three summers ago, I didn't even go to the fair. I had just found out I was pregnant, and each day felt like I was barely trying to keep my head above water. While my daily joys typically revolve around playing with my kids or seeing them get excited about something new or even a really delicious ice cream sandwich, during that time, I had a really, really, really, really, hard time finding much joy in anything. I felt so tired-- as if my own blood cells couldn't muster up the energy to do much more than just survive. The day of the fair three years ago was dark for me, and I really can't tell you much more than I went to bed around five in the afternoon, and didn't wake up until the kids had already been asleep for a couple of hours. I remember asking Chris how the kids liked the fair. But, even my questions felt half-hearted. I couldn't understand why I didn't even feel like being around my own kids. Having suffered with depression during my second pregnancy, I knew what was happening, but it sure didn't make it any easier.

Last summer, we went as a family of five. Chris and I were officially outnumbered. We brought baby Oscar with us, and we were still trying to find our footing with three kids. And I remember the big kids saying, "Mom! I'm so glad you came this time!" They couldn't wait to show me every ride from the year before.

Fast forward three summers later. A genuinely happy mama, with two genuinely happy kids, and one baby back home sleeping. 

And one genuinely happy dad who didn't have to ride the teacups :)

As we stopped at the top of the ferris wheel, Sof hung on to me so tightly. Every time it would go around, she would squeeze me around the same time because she knew what was coming next. She was anticipating the fear that she knew would come. As I sit here writing, I've realized that I know so well what that feels like. Sometimes, I wonder if we do have another baby, if that same darkness will come back. I don't know if I've ever really written or vocalized it before, but this is the truth: I am scared. I am scared of going to that really hard place. I know that I am one of the fortunate ones. One of the ones who experiences antepartum depression for a few months, and then it sort of seems to fade away by around the half-way mark of my pregnancy. But, as I've talked to other moms, I've learned that while each experience is unique, it is still very real. 

So, yeah. Just cracking a window open here to let you know that stuff scares me, too. And feeling so lucky to have such amazing people in my life who let me squeeze them tight when I'm going around that ride and are there with me when I need them most.

A year of Jones kids: August

You guys. I don't even know I've been posting these updates on the blog, but I've been taking pictures of the kids in front of this calendar since January.

And, like, you know when you start something, thinking it's a really fun idea...but then you get halfway through, and you're all "Wait, what was I thinking?" Yeah. THAT.

But, whatever. Every month, they stick with me. They know they'll be both bribed and threatened and bribed some more. You know what, though? I keep doing them because every month a small part of me is proud that they're all still there, and I haven't accidentally left one behind at the grocery store. (Speaking as someone who once got lost at the grocery store as a child, and was so certain I would never see my mother ever again, and would have to spend the rest of my days somewhere in between the cereal isle and the dog food, this is a major MAJOR win.) 

Some days I still think, "Wow. Three. And they're mine."

Just makes my heart want to burst and cry and hold them so tightly. Never gets old. 

Also, speaking of photographing kids, I was honored to be approached by one of my favorite companies, Artifact Uprising to help contribute to a piece they worked on called, "Photographing Littles." I, along with some other parent-photographers, shared some of our tips when capturing our own little ones. You can find the post HERE!

|| Little Cottonwood matching "Ridge" button-up shirts: HERE || Little Cottonwood "Rosie" dress in blue gingham: HERE ||

Sayulita: Where to Stay!

Have you heard my whole thing about "seasons?" Like, I'm not talking about weather seasons, but, like, the metaphorical kind? There are seasons where I'm better at staying on top of the laundry, seasons where reading a good book seems to sit on the back burner, or seasons where I am really really good at carving out time for myself. Well, this season I've been in lately has revolved around keeping my kids semi-happy while they're out of school, so any writing and work has taken a bit of a hit. But, I'm ready to start a new season, and excited to find my writing groove again now that the kids are heading back to school.

Near the top of my list of things to write about and catch up on was our trip to Mexico earlier this summer! In an attempt to simplify things for myself I'm planning on breaking the trip down into smaller posts. So, we're kicking things off over here with Sayulita: Where to Stay!

Before choosing a place to stay, I really like to do a bit of research. I read reviews, searched to see if the places had their own Instagram accounts, and really tried to find out as much about the place as possible. I chose to book a stay with the Petit Hotel Hafa, and we are so glad we did. Whenever we have traveled together, Chris and I really like to look for a place where we can really immerse ourselves into the area. One time several years ago when traveling around England, I was able to (accidentally) find a place in Manchester that not only put us in a wonderful location, but also was a stone's throw from a landmark commemorating one of my husband's favorite historical figures. I wasn't able to achieve that this time (darn!), but I guess that means we just need to plan a trip back to Europe :) Although, I will say, Petit Hotel Hafa was pretty darn close to his favorite taco stand of all time, so that DOES count for something right??

Do you spy two little cute selfies??

We chose room #2, and I fell in love with the feel of the room right away. I loved the decor, and of course, I loved how bright and clean it felt. I will however, advise that you splurge a bit and pay extra for the AC-- it can definitely get a tad toasty in there. We had someone come in every day to clean and bring fresh towels. I also loved that in addition to the key we got to the room, we also got a key to the main gate of the hotel. They lock it up every night around 8pm, but you can let yourself in whenever you like. We felt super safe our whole time there.



Before our trip, I had these great plans to sleep in and not get out of bed till noon. Well, that didn't happen. I don't know that I would call myself a morning person, but once I wake up in the morning, I'm up. That's it. There's really no dozing back off to sleep.



I was pretty happy to lay in our room, however, reading there or up on the gorgeous rooftop deck that was just steps away from our room.

Seriously though, this place was just so pretty and quaint every took you turn!

The rooftop deck really was the cherry and whipped cream on top here. It was always quiet, and we usually had the whole deck to ourselves. We loved to come here to read in the mornings, or just spend time tougher after dinner. When it's dark, they light the place up with candles, and you can hear all the night owls in the streets. 

And if you're looking for a good spot for a picture, there is a darling path of hearts just outside our door!

So, there ya go! And these pictures don't even quite do it enough of justice. We loved staying at this super colorful and beautiful place, and I'd highly recommend it if you find you're planning your own stay in Sayulita :)

Till next time!

|| "Faye" Straw Boater Hat: HERE || Madewell tassel earrings (red no longer available) HERE || Madewell sunglasses (sold out) similar HERE ||