a bedtime letter for s

S-

Tonight we put you to bed at your normal time, and an hour and a half later, you were still awake in your crib. You sometimes chat in there to yourself, and we joke that you're talking to your ghost friend. After you'd been chatting for a while, I went in there to make sure you still had your "stuffs." (Your pacifier, blanket and your lovey.) I picked you up out of your crib and just held you in my arms in the chair in the corner of your room for a few minutes. 

Two summers ago, I used to sit in that same chair and think about the beautiful baby that would someday sleep and play in it. I'd sit in the perfectly decorated room and would feel you kick in my belly. I would run my fingers over my belly and whisper to you. You brought life to this room, to our home, and to our family.

Last summer, I had two babies. One was in my belly and one was in my arms. But, it was hard. You wanted me to hold you tight and play with you and climb up on me. I couldn't play with you the way I wanted to because physically, I just plain wasn't able to. It broke my heart sometimes because I could see in your eyes that you wanted more from me than I could give.

This summer you have miraculously become our little cuddler. I love to nuzzle my nose against your cheek and tickle you. This summer, you fit perfectly in my arms...as if my arms were made for the sole reason to hold you close. 

As I sat with you, you stayed very still and gently played with the little "S" and "J" charms on my necklace with your little fingers. You do this often. After a few minutes, I told you that it was time to go to sleep. You looked up at me and smiled. It was such a funny smile that it made me smile so big. This of course made you smile even bigger. For a second I wanted to throw sleep out the window and just bring you back out to play with us.

Instead, I laid you back in your crib, tucked you in and gave you your lovey. "I love you, baby," I whispered. "Night, night."

You then smiled again and waved bye-bye.

I hope you sleep well tonight, baby.

-mama